Belief In Abstract Entities
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: Becker hadn't been telling the whole story to Father Ferrick. This is the next piece of my "Breakable" series following "The Palm of Your Hand".


~~oOOo~~

"_Abstraction is a mental process we use when trying to discern what is essential or relevant to a problem; it does not require a belief in abstract entities."_ - Tom G. Palmer

~~oOOo~~

"Please, Jess, marry me?" Becker asked with soft sincerity.

Jess' eyes went wide. But in the next moment when she put the box down carefully on the bed between them he knew that something had gone wrong. She took his hand between her own, lacing their fingers together in a way that had become a gesture of intimacy for them both. She looked up at him with equal parts sincerity and sadness shining in the bright blue of her eyes.

"I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, Hilary. But until you stop holding back, I cannot accept. I'm not willing to settle for anything less than all of you."

Jess dropped her eyes back to the bed. She silently took the box and put it inside her bedside table drawer. He could see his grey opera scarf peeking out, a reminder of yet another occasion where he'd botched things up between them. When she finally looked up at him once again, there was a hint of reckless challenge in her expression.

"When you can give yourself to me completely. When you can wake up here beside me and retrieve that ring for yourself. I'll be absolutely ecstatic to accept your proposal."

Becker nodded his understanding. It shouldn't have surprised him that this came down to a matter of sex. He knew that Jess was comfortable with touch in a way that he had never been in his entire life. She had been careful for the most part not to push the physicality of their relationship. And he had worked hard to find a balance, a level intimacy he could offer without feeling uncomfortable with his own actions. He'd thought it had been enough to satisfy Jess as well. Apparently he was wrong.

"Please understand, Jess, I was raised to believe that sex before marriage is a sin. I wouldn't be asking you to marry me if I weren't completely willing to commit myself to you. Isn't that enough?"

"Not this time," she replied quietly. "I'm not going to say that you don't have faith in god, but I refuse to accept your blind adherence to the strictures of a religion you no longer practice. It's just an excuse you hide behind. You hold yourself apart from me physically, but it's more than that; you're still holding back that last little part of your heart as well."

"How can you say that?" Becker replied hotly pacing the small space of open floor in Jess' room. "I've changed so much because of you. Isn't that enough?"

"No," Jess shook her head regretfully, "it's not. You want me to marry you, to be your partner for the rest of our lives. How can you ask me to do that when you're still not comfortable enough inside your own skin to share your body with me?"

"This isn't just about sex, is it?" he asked carefully, trying to feel his way around the foreign concept which was taking root inside his head.

"Are you confident enough to share everything you think and feel with me? If we're going to make this work _everything_ has to be fair game. Even the ugly thoughts that frighten you, the things you're certain would make me run. Can you honestly say that we've reached that point? I think that's a level of intimacy you've never experienced. I know that I certainly haven't, though I've seen it in other people. Being uncomfortable sharing your body is merely symptomatic."

Becker nodded slowly, beginning to see what Jess was getting at.

"So tell me Hilary, what are you so damned afraid of?" Jess whispered, her expression one of pain and heartbreak. "What do you hide when you refuse to stand naked before me? When you can answer that question, then perhaps together we'll be able to get to the bottom of this."

"And what happens to us while I'm sorting this tangle out?" he asked thoughtfully.

"That's up to you. I'll understand if you want time apart; space on your own to work on this. But if you're willing, I'd like to keep seeing each other. Be here to offer support while you're trying to work through this."

"And then?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Then we'll begin planning the rest of our lives," she replied with a tiny wistful smile.

That smile was enough to let him know that they still stood a chance of making this work. Jess wanted this as much as he did. It was rare for her to push him and he knew that she wouldn't be doing so without good reason. He understood why Jess had turned him down. Like it? No. Understand it? Perhaps.

~~oOOo~~

"_Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself."_ - Andre Breton


End file.
